The Daily Tannenbaum

It’s Christmas all over again, and I’ll be taking a blog holiday. That is, until tomorrow when something hi-larous happens and I can’t wait to write all about it. Before I sign off for a few days, I want to address a problem many people face this holiday season. Namely, being unwillingly forced to hear a song called “The Christmas Shoes.” This song is criminally bad and I believe the reasons for its popularity in this country are directly related to the reasons that the terrorists hate us. In case this song happens to you, I now give you a line by line analysis of why this is the worst Christmas song ever written, sung, produced and forced upon the public:

“The Christmas Shoes”

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
As soon as I hear these words, I immediately turn off the radio, but let’s pretend for a minute that I didn’t.
Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
He says it was “almost” Christmas time, and he’s trying to buy the last gift or two. So either he used the word “almost” just to fit the meter and it really IS Christmas time, or he’s showing off that he got all his Christmas shopping done early. I don’t care if he’s in the mood or not.
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
I also think it’s odd that a little boy is in a shoe store.
Pacing ’round like little boys do
There is something about these lines that’s a little Mark Foleyesque, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
If someone ever bought me shoes for Christmas, I’d be really angry. Shoes are a really personal item, and it’s really risky to buy them as a gift. I’m thinking this kid maybe has early onset foot fetish-ism.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
Yeah, well so are most kids. Kids don’t like to bathe, or put on new clothes. They’re itchy.
And when it came his time to pay
This line sacrifices normal speech patterns just to fit the meter.
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say
You already made a judgment about his appearance, so why are you so shocked about him pronouncing his poorness?

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
Pour on the drama with the Sir and the please why don’t you?
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
What kid knows the size of his mother’s feet? That’s not natural.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
If there’s not much time, why are you wasting the last minutes of your mother’s life at the fracking mall????
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
Oh, I get it, the kid was just bored of being at the hospital.
And I know these shoes would make her smile
If she can still smile, than she can’t be that sick.
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
We don’t have proof that Jesus even wore shoes that were more than a piece of leather wrapped with string. Why would he care or even notice if some modern woman is wearing pretty shoes? I mean, unless they were Jimmy Choos.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
So “Mr. Charity” admits that he’s annoyed waiting for this kid.
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
At this point in the song this cashier is being portrayed as the bad guy. How do we know he doesn’t have a sick mother that could benefit from the profits from the sale of the shoes?
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
This kid seems kind of like an opportunist here, and seriously, we don’t have any proof that he’s a needy kid other than his torn clothes. There’s lots of scammers at Christmastime known to take advantage of naive crooners.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Just because the kid’s poor doesn’t mean we have to suffer at the hands of his bad grammar!
Though most years she just did without
Schmaltz alert code orange!
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes
So your mom was good enough to forgo rash Capitalism at Christmas, but not good enough to teach you not to talk to strangers? Especially strangers who may look to exploit your plight by writing a terrible song about it?

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
Implying that all of those of you who don’t help out the poor ragamuffins are really bad people
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama’s gonna look so great
Schmaltz alert has just been upgraded to red.

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
So now he’s begging the songwriter seeing that the evil retail man, who may not even be the owner of the store and therefore authorized to make decisions about giving away the merchandise to just anyone, has rejected him.
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Again, kinda suspicious that the kid knows Mom’s shoe size. As if possibly Mom “dropped a hint” before dying.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
I ask you, again, why is this kid in the mall!!!! Get to your mother if there is so little time!
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
If that’s the case, then you know you really could have gotten her the shoes earlier.
And I know these shoes would make her smile
Gee, when I was a kid all I needed to make my mom smile was some macaroni art. I guess “poor dying mother” is tad more materialistic.
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
This seems to be a bastardization of the few good points of Christianity. Doesn’t Jesus think everyone’s beautiful, like on the inside? Where it actually matters? I don’t remember any part of the New Testament that talked about a really killer pair of heels.

Bridge:
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
Oh, you mean because YOU were charitable? Or because heaven is loving enough to let an entire family starve and think that one measly pair of shoes will compensate for all that?
As he thanked me and ran out
You’re right, you do deserve thanks schmaltzy Christmas shoe man, let’s not forget that this song is all about the good thing that YOU did.
I knew that God had sent that little boy
Yes, God looked down from his busy day of answering prayers and ceasing all war and said, “I see a man who has lost his Capitalist Christmas Spirit, and is getting no pleasure out of his holiday shopping. Cue the little boy!”
To remind me just what Christmas is all about
Thank you for making the point, that this holiday is all about YOU and making sure that YOU know what Christmas is all about: Buying crap for loved ones.

Repeat Chorus
Don’t even get me started on all the children they had to corrupt by getting them to sing the chorus. As they say, gag me with a spoon.